Couples who have various neurodivergences may have a mismatch in their needs for conversation, physical touch, and sex. Let's talk about it.
Relationships are complicated. They have many moving parts. With the added elements of social difficulties, non-verbal communication issues, direct communication issues, missing social rules, heightened emotions, and in some cases, trauma responses, romantic and sexual relationships are even more difficult for neurodivergent people. This article is designed to address the issue of mismatched needs for monogamous couples with neurodivergent members.
Understanding Neurodivergence in Relationships
First, it's normal for couples of any type to have different levels of needs for intimacy. People with conditions that fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence include anyone with a brain that is different than typical. This includes Autism, ADHD, mental health conditions, brain differences, brain injuries, developmental disabilities, and others. Neurodivergent people often experience the world differently, including in how they think about the world and how they experience it through their senses. This can lead to unique challenges in their relationships.
When one or both partners have varying needs for interaction, touch, or sex, it can cause tension, frustration, and confusion. However, with understanding and communication, neurodivergent couples can navigate these challenges and build strong bonds.
Here are some key strategies for working through mismatched needs:
1. Open, Direct Communication
Engage in honest dialogue:Â This is going to be one of the most important parts of the process. You have to talk about your needs and sensitivities and understand your partner's. Clear, direct communication is essential, especially for neurodivergent partners who may struggle with implicit cues. Speak openly about your needs and desires without shame or fear of judgment. Make a safe space for your partner to do the same. If this is uncomfortable, try writing it in a text.
Set expectations:Â Misunderstandings can arise from unmet or unclear expectations. Articulate what you need in terms of physical intimacy, emotional connection, and space.
2. Respect Different Processing Styles
Sensory sensitivities: Most neurodivergent people experience touch, sound, and other stimuli more/less intensely or differently. It’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries if they’re uncomfortable with certain types of physical contact. This might be difficult if it conflicts with your own desires.
Time to process:Â Some individuals may need more time to process emotions or conversations. Create space for each other to reflect without pressuring immediate responses.
3. Create a Balance in Physical Intimacy
Explore different forms of affection: Physical intimacy doesn’t always have to mean sex. Explore other forms of touch—hugs, holding hands, gentle massages—that meet one partner’s need for connection while respecting the other's boundaries. If kissing is a no, it's a no, for example.
Consent and comfort:Â Regular check-ins on comfort levels around physical touch can prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners feel respected and safe.
4. Find Compromise in Sexual Desires
Align needs with creativity:Â Consider ways to compromise if one partner has a higher desire for sexual intimacy than the other--the person with the higher need is going to be the one who is going to need to compromise more. This could involve scheduling intimate time or finding non-sexual ways to be close when one partner is not in the mood for sex.
Talk about sex regularly:Â Have ongoing conversations about sexual needs to ensure that both partners feel heard and can adjust when needed.
Meet your own needs: If you're a partner with a higher need for sexual experiences, take the time to learn about how to meet your own needs when your partner isn't available to do so.
5. Non-Sexual Emotional Connection
Deepen emotional intimacy: Emotional connection is key. For those who don’t always express emotions verbally, shared activities, quality time, or even small rituals like a daily check-in can strengthen the bond.
Focus on mutual interests:Â Engage in shared interests, which can be a non-verbal way of connecting and building intimacy without pressure. This is where you can unite special interests or hyperfocuses together as a way to bond.
6. Support Autonomy and Personal Space
Respect space and alone time:Â Neurodivergent partners may have a greater need for alone time to recharge. It's important to respect these needs without viewing them as a sign of rejection or distance.
Balance closeness with independence:Â Negotiate how much time you spend together versus apart, honoring each partner's need for autonomy and reuniting to maintain the quality of the relationship for both partners.
7. Flexibility with Social Interaction
Social energy differences:Â One partner may enjoy frequent conversation and socializing, while the other may find it draining. Encouraging clear boundaries around social time can prevent burnout and frustration. Partners may decide to have other friendships that can meet this social need.
Alternative communication methods:Â For partners who struggle with verbal communication, writing, texting, or using even art can help you express yourself without the pressure of in-person conversations.
8. Address Emotional Regulation and Trauma
Understand heightened emotions:Â Many neurodivergent people have heightened emotional responses, which can make communication around intimacy and sex more difficult. Spend some time engaging in regulation techniques together and separately.
Address trauma where necessary:Â For some individuals, past trauma can complicate intimacy. If trauma is present, therapy may be needed to process these experiences and develop healthy relational patterns.
9. Build Routines for Consistency
Predictability helps:Â Some neurodivergent individuals thrive on routine, which can help alleviate anxiety around physical and emotional intimacy. Setting regular times for connection (e.g., date nights or time for conversations) can make the relationship feel more stable. This can help those with rejection sensitivity as well as a need for predictability.
Respecting boundaries: While routines can provide comfort, it’s important to remain flexible to meet each other’s evolving needs over time.
10. Seek Professional Support
Therapy for neurodivergent couples:Â Neurodivergent couples can benefit from therapy with a professional who understands their unique challenges. This can help both partners learn to communicate, regulate emotions, and manage mismatched needs. It's a must to find a therapist or couple's counselor who understands neurodivergence.
Educate yourselves: The more both partners know about each other’s neurodivergence, the easier it will be to understand and accommodate each other’s needs.
Final Thoughts
Navigating a relationship where partners have different needs for interaction, touch, or sex is challenging, but it’s not insurmountable. With open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to find new ways to get physical and emotional needs met, neurodivergent couples can create a fulfilling and loving partnership that meets both partners’ needs.
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