
Start with these basic tools that can help you hone in on calm using nothing more than your breath, body, and mind.
Breathing: You’re probably doing it wrong
Let’s start with what I find to be the most important and easiest to access way to calm yourself. Breathing is one of those things that if we don’t do, we die. Since you’re still here, I bet you wonder why I’m being all critical and telling you you’re messing it up. Well, don’t worry, I mess it up too.
There is ample evidence from numerous studies that controlling our breathing has a measurable impact on our bodies and psychological states. The topic is explored in depth in James Nestor’s book Breath, which you can find referenced at the back of this book.
Most of us aren’t breathing in a way that leads to relaxation. Or, if you have anxiety, you might hold your breath often without even knowing it, which increases your blood pressure and helps keep you anxious. We suck our guts in all the time to look svelte, which prevents us from doing belly breathing (or diaphragm breathing). Belly or diaphragm breathing just means that your belly rises and falls with your breaths. Breathing techniques are probably the number one piece of advice professionals give to help people calm down because they work.
Controlling your breathing is one of the most accessible ways to create calm. It doesn’t take any money, a babysitter, or space in your house. You can work on breathing without anyone even knowing you are doing so. I recommend practicing before things go sideways if you can so you already have it down and aren’t learning to apply a new skill on the fly.
Our nervous system has two settings: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system is in charge at times of arousal (like excitement, fear); the parasympathetic is in charge when we are calm. These systems are always alternating, and breathing can help tip the balance to one system or the other. Controlled deep breathing can switch you to the parasympathetic system. Breathing can control our bodies. Breathing can influence our thoughts.
Here are some simple breathing techniques you can try right now or anytime you want to focus and calm yourself. Keep these in your emergency tool kit, friends. Note: feel free to modify these exercises to meet any of your personal needs. If you can’t stand, sitting is fine, for example. Whatever works for you.
(Protip! Breathing Gifs: One of the easiest-to-use tools is simple gifs that help you to breathe rhythmically by mimicking the moving image. Just search for a breathing gif and find one you like).
Mindful breathing
Difficulty level: easy
This is a very simple way to focus on your breathing even for just 2 minutes and give yourself some calm. The goal here is to focus only on your breathing and your sensations. If your mind drifts, just come back to your breath.
Sit in a chair with your back straight but not rigid.
Place your hands on your belly.
Close your eyes.
Breathe deep and slow feeling the breath fill your lungs and expand your belly.
Slowly breathe out and feel the air leave your lungs and your belly deflate.
Repeat until you feel calm and grounded.
Box Breathing / Four Square Breathing / 4-4-4 Breathing
Difficulty level: easy
Sit or stand in a comfortable position.
Slowly exhale.
Slowly inhale while counting to four. (Inhale 1-2-3-4).
Hold your breath for a slow count of four. (Hold 1-2-3-4).
Slowly exhale while counting to four. (Exhale 1-2-3-4).
Hold your breath for four counts before repeating. (Hold 1-2-3-4).
You can also lengthen your exhale if that feels better to you. That’s it! Box breathing in the bag.
Lion’s breath
Difficulty level: moderate+ it looks silly
Ok, so, this one is goofy and something you are NOT going to want to do at the doctor’s office or in line at the grocery store. Lion’s breath is a yoga pose and involves exhaling with some force. It’s a full-body activity. I wouldn’t recommend it if it didn’t work, so try the silly thing when no one’s looking. You can look up some video instructions on YouTube and watch them be silly first. Have a laugh and give it as go. To try lion’s breath:
Get into a kneeling position, sitting on your feet. If this position isn’t comfortable, sit cross-legged or in a chair. Adapt this and any exercises as you see fit to meet any needs you may have.
Sit up straight and push your shoulders back. Bring your hands to your knees, stretching out your arms and spreading your fingers.
Take a breath in through your nose.
Breathe out through your mouth, allowing yourself to vocalize a “ha” sound like you are fogging up a mirror. Practice this a few times and make your “ha” louder.
After you have your “ha” down, during your exhales, open your mouth as wide as you can and stick your tongue out, stretching it down toward the floor as far as it will go.
Look up or at the middle of your forehead (where the so-called third eye resides) while exhaling. Yeah, that’s it.
Relax your face as you inhale again.
Repeat the practice up to six times, changing the cross of your ankles when you reach the halfway point.
Marvel at your new skill. If your kids are into it, teach them. This is a great way for them to regulate themselves too.
You can also do a modified version of just sticking out your tongue and doing the forced “ha,” but that would deprive you of the joy of laughing at yourself.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise
Difficulty level: easy
Every therapist learns this technique in therapist school because it’s usually pretty effective for people experiencing panic or anxiety. The principle is to get you out of your head and into your body. This exercise engages different parts of your brain to get help your anxiety decrease.
Start this exercise with a few deep breaths.
Take a look around and name five things you can see. You don’t need to say anything out loud unless you wish to.
Then name four things you can feel or touch. You can touch them if you like such as your hair, your sweater, the wood table, or the metal leg of your chair.
Listen for three things you can hear. This can be a sound in your environment or within you such as the sound of traffic, your stomach growling, or a dog barking in the distance.
Pay attention to two things you can smell. You can pick them up and smell them if you’d like to. Examples include smelling a candle or lotion bottle nearby, a pillow, the smell of rain on the air, and the smell of your cat’s fur.
Finally, experience one taste. This could be drinking a sip of coffee or water or chewing a piece of gum.
Progressive muscle relaxation
Difficulty level: moderate
Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a tool to keep in your arsenal against stress. It’s a type of relaxation training. It’s often used by therapists to teach clients a strategy to reduce stress in the office and away from the assistance of a therapist as well. I first learned to use PMR as a client when I sought brief therapy for my fear of flying. You can certainly use it on your own, and you can even find guided recordings and videos online.
Find a quiet place free from distractions (ok, I mean, if you can block out the racket for a while, just carry on!). Sit or lie on the floor, loosen any tight clothing, and take off your glasses, if you wear them. Rest your arms and hands at your side or in your lap. Take a few slow even breaths. Practice some simple mindful breathing for a moment.
You’re now going to go through each area of your body focusing on tensing those muscles while keeping the other areas of your body relaxed.
Forehead: Squeeze the muscles in your forehead. I find making “angry eyes” makes it easier to accomplish this. Hold for 15 seconds. Feel the muscles becoming tighter as you count. Then, slowly release the tension in your forehead while counting to 15 seconds. Pay attention to the sensation as your muscles relax. Continue to breathe evenly.
Jaw: (We often clench our jaws anyway, but trust me, this will help.) Tense the muscles in your jaw, holding for 15 seconds. It may help you isolate these muscles if you clench your teeth. Then release the tension slowly for 15 seconds. You’ll start to notice the feeling of relaxation by creating tension and then releasing it. Now move down to your neck and shoulders.
Neck and shoulders: Increase tension in your neck and shoulders by raising your shoulders toward your ears and holding for 15 seconds. Slowly release the tension as you count for 15 seconds. Notice the tension melting away.
Arms and hands: Slowly ball both hands into fists. Pull your fists into your chest and hold for 15 seconds, squeezing your arms and hands as tight as you can. Then slowly release your muscles while you count for 15 seconds. Notice the feeling of relaxation. Yeah, that’s the stuff.
Abdomen: Slowly tighten your abs and hold for 15 seconds. Slowly release your hold while counting to 15 seconds
Booty: Slowly squeeze the cheeks over 15 seconds. Then, slowly release the tension over 15 seconds. Continue to breathe peacefully.
Quads and hammies: I can’t do this without also clenching some booty muscles too—that’s ok. Slowly increase the tension in your quadriceps and hamstrings over 15 seconds. Squeeze the muscles as hard as you can. Then gently release the tension over 15 seconds. Be aware of how your body is feeling.
Feet: Slowly increase the tension in your feet and toes. I roll my toes to help with this. Tighten the muscles as much as you can for 15 seconds. Then slowly release the tension over 15 seconds. Continue your breathing.
You should feel noticeably more relaxed than when you started.
Meditation and Mindfulness
Difficulty level: Moderate
Meditation and mindfulness are mentioned so often in the literature about self-care and calming that they might get ignored especially if you think you know about it and it’s not for you.
In its simplest form, meditation is the practice of trying to do nothing to gain awareness and focus. It is the practice of being intentionally mindful, and being mindful is simply the quality of being aware. Mindfulness meditation can be used to cultivate a lifestyle of mindfulness, which can promote long-term peace and well-being. The effects increase with further practice, but there is an immediate improvement with the use of meditation on mood. There are many types of techniques in practicing meditation, which have been used for thousands of years in many cultures. Some types of meditation are the kind you’re thinking about, sitting in a yoga studio, lotus position, ohmming one’s way to inner peace. That’s legit, but so are the many other forms of mindfulness that can look like sitting in a chair resting your eyes, walking in the neighborhood, dancing, woodworking, cooking, and many other tasks that allow you to be present in the moment, aware of yourself and your environment, and focused on the task at hand. I have found some of the most peaceful activities I’ve engaged in myself have been like these where I am knee-deep in a task, focused. Some call this a “flow state.”
What we’re doing here is aiming for mindfulness, not some process that magically wipes your mind clear of the countless and endless thoughts that erupt and ping constantly in our brains. We’re just practicing bringing our attention to our breath, and then back to the breath when we notice our attention has wandered (and it will wander).
If you’ve never meditated before you should start with something like this:
Get comfortable and prepare to sit still for a few minutes. After you stop reading this, you’re going to simply focus on your natural inhaling and exhaling of breath.
Focus on your breath. Where do you feel your breath most? In your belly? In your nose? Try to keep your attention on your inhale and exhale.
Follow your breath for two minutes. Take a deep inhale, expanding your belly, and then exhale slowly, elongating the out-breath as your belly contracts. Your attention will wander. That’s totally ok, just come back to the breath when you notice.
Welcome back. What happened? How long was it before your mind wandered away from your breath? Did you notice how busy your mind was even without consciously directing it to think about anything in particular? Did you notice yourself getting caught up in thoughts before you came back to reading this? We often have little narratives running in our minds that we didn’t choose to put there, like: “Why does my boss want to meet with me tomorrow?” “I should have gone to the gym yesterday.” “I’ve got to pay some bills” or (the classic) “I don’t have time to sit still, I’ve got stuff to do.”
If you experienced these sorts of distractions (and we all do), you’ve made an important discovery: this is how our brains tend to work. It’s when we live in our heads, on automatic pilot, letting our thoughts go here and there, exploring, say, the future or the past, and essentially, not being present in the moment. But that’s where most of us live most of the time—and pretty uncomfortably, if we’re being honest, right? But it doesn’t have to be that way.
We “practice” mindfulness so we can learn how to recognize when our minds are doing their normal acrobatics, and maybe take a pause from that for just a little while so we can choose what we’d like to focus on. In a nutshell, meditation helps us have a much healthier relationship with ourselves (and, by extension, with others).
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