The discovery of Autism can feel like an unveiling. After years of masking—consciously or unconsciously hiding autistic traits to fit in socially and stay safe—the diagnosis may bring both relief and confusion. One of the most common questions for newly diagnosed people is: Who am I, really, without the mask?
The process of unmasking and discovering yourself can be both liberating and terrifying. This is especially true if you are also separating yourself from other aspects of your life, like leaving a toxic job, a bad relationship, or an abusive family behind. You have spent years adapting, camouflaging your needs, and conforming to expectations that were never meant for you. Now, it’s time to figure out what’s underneath those layers.
Here’s how you can begin to reconnect with your true self as an Autistic person:
1. Acknowledge the Mask
The first step in discovering your authentic self is recognizing that you’ve been masking and how. Masking is a survival strategy, something you’ve likely developed to navigate a neurotypical world and to protect you in unsafe situations. Start paying attention to those behaviors you default to that feel bad. Those might be forcing eye contact, suppressing stims, mirroring others, laughing when you don't feel like laughing, or doing things solely to relieve yourself from the discomfort of the expectations and disappointment from others. These behaviors were not bad--they were your way of coping.
Reflect on your past experiences: Think about the times you felt like you had to "perform" or alter your behavior to fit in. What did you change about yourself? What did you suppress? This reflection can help you understand where masking began and what aspects of your identity you may have set aside.
Recognize that masking is protective: You may still need those skills from time to time. It's ok to call on them when needs, but the goal is to create and co-create safe spaces for yourself where you don't need to do this.
2. Revisit Your Passions and Interests
Autistics usually have intense, or "special," interests. These usually begin in early childhood and they can change as we age. Sometimes, these passions are hidden or put aside in an effort to fit in socially. Unmasking means reclaiming those interests and diving into them unapologetically. Don't force this. Just think about what subjects draw you in and let them. You might go back to your childhood and explore what you remember.
Explore what lights you up: What are the activities, topics, or hobbies that you could lose yourself in for hours? Reengaging with these passions can offer insight into who you are when you’re not performing for the outside world. These can be literally anything at all. Some people have special interests in fans, and some in sharks. You may have just a couple of interests or dozens. There's no wrong way to do this. It's about interest and joy.
3. Listen to Your Body and Remake Your Space
Part of masking often involves ignoring or downplaying sensory sensitivities and physical discomfort to conform to others’ expectations. Now that you’re unmasking, it’s time to tune into your body and its signals.
What sensory experiences bring you joy or discomfort?: Pay attention to what your body craves—whether it’s certain textures, movements (stimming), or environments. Allowing yourself to experience these sensations can help you feel more grounded in your own skin.
Your home or room at home should be a place that gives you a great feeling of peace. Think about the spaces that you love most and work on incorporating aspects of those spaces into your own. It should be a delight for your senses.
4. Uncover Your Social Needs
Masking often involves adjusting your social behavior to align with neurotypical expectations, even if it doesn’t feel authentic. Now is the time to question those social habits.
Reflect on your true social preferences: Do you prefer solitude over social gatherings? Do small talk or certain social norms feel draining? What kind of social interactions energize you? Begin to give yourself permission to meet your own needs instead of bending to what others expect.
Be around people that support you: Even if it's just one person who validates you, that validation can normalize your experiences. Many Autistics mask to maintain relationships that may not truly align with their needs or values. The process of unmasking may lead to a reevaluation of these relationships. Try to spend less time with those who are unable to get it.
Set boundaries and evaluate connections: As you unmask, consider whether certain relationships are supportive of your true self. It’s okay to let go of relationships that demand you to mask and seek out those that embrace and honor your authentic self. Develop and guard boundaries.
5. Create Space for Stimming
Stimming is often one of the most suppressed behaviors due to societal pressure. However, stimming—whether it’s rocking, hand-flapping, tapping, or repeating phrases—is a natural and beneficial way for autistic people to regulate emotions and sensory input.
Allow yourself to stim freely: Rediscover the movements, sounds, or activities that bring comfort and relief. Experiment with stimming in safe, private spaces at first if it feels too vulnerable in public. As you grow more comfortable, you might find you’re ready to stim more openly. You can also try more socially acceptable stims like stim toys to start. Those may be just what you need.
6. Embrace Your Emotional World
Masking can lead to suppressing emotions or trying to mimic the emotional responses of others. Unmasking is a change to reconnect with your genuine feelings.
Explore your emotional landscape: Allow yourself to feel and express emotions naturally, without judgment. You might find that your emotional responses are different from what others expect, and that’s okay. Accept your emotions as valid expressions of who you are. This may feel raw--it is--and that's ok.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
The path to discovering your true self is not always easy. You may feel grief for the years spent masking, confusion about who you really are, or fear of judgment from others. This is a time to be gentle with yourself.
Hype yourself up: It takes immense courage to drop the mask and face the world as your true self. Celebrate small victories and give yourself grace as you navigate this process. You deserve to be seen and accepted for who you truly are. Period.
8. Seek Community and Support
You’re not alone. Many late-diagnosed Autistic adults go through similar processes of self-discovery. Finding others who have had similar experiences can provide validation, support, and encouragement.
Connect with the Autistic community: Whether online or in-person, there are spaces where Autistics come together to share their stories, struggles, successes, and memes (haha). Engaging with others who understand can make a huge difference in your experience during this process.
9. Redefine Your Identity
Finally, discovering who you are without the mask involves rethinking your identity. It’s a process of integrating your Autism into your self-concept, not as something to be hidden but as a fundamental part of who you are.
How do you define yourself now?: Consider how your identity might shift as you unmask. You are likely to find new aspects of yourself that feel more authentic and true. Let go of past expectations that no longer serve you. You are freer than before. I hope you can feel that.
In Conclusion
Unmasking and discovering who you are as a late-diagnosed Autistic person is a gradual process of self-exploration. It involves reconnecting with your body, emotions, and passions while shedding societal expectations. This is about coming into yourself.
Remember: You deserve to be seen for who you truly are, and the world needs you as yourself.
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